Tuesday 17 February 2009

Over the last week

It was an ok week for me I was doing really really well had hardly thought about gambling and my future was looking brighter by the day. I went out on Thursday night with a few friends from work and had a really great night. Well apart from being pushed off the dance floor as I was leaving to get off I ended up falling on my arse and twisting my foot I really do have no luck sometime. I called it a night at this point leaving my friends in the pub I then hobbled home on my bad ankle.

The Friday was a very busy day I went to see my friends mum in the hospital and was talking about the good old times when I was working at Maggie’s bar I really do miss my days there I really enjoyed it the atmosphere was great and it was so easy to pull the ladies in there. I had also made a decision to split up with my girlfriend also today. I then had my mate come around later that day and was just having a good old natter did not stop laughing for a few hours after always end up with the giggles, she truly is a total blonde….you know who you are :-). She convinced me to go out that evening for one of our friend’s birthday so I hobbled into town and had another great night with friends. I left and went home about 230am and went to sleep.

Saturday had arrived and the week was passing so quick in the morning I met up with a couple of friends and went for a breakfast in the local weatherspoons and really enjoyed it. I then went to eth football Morecambe Vs Chester and it was another great day and a great victory 3 – 1. Me and 2 other friends decided to have a few pints after the game we went to a couple of pubs then went to weatherspoons in Morecambe we got ourselves a drink from the bar then we decided to go on the IT BOX a quiz game. I put £5 in to it and after I did I regretted it even thou I was not playing to win money it was a machine you can win money on. I have decided not to go on one again as this might lead me back onto the wrong path.

I then worked the Sunday and did not even think about gambling so slowly but surely I am progressing in the right path.

Monday 9 February 2009

4th Counselling Session

The 4th and last Counselling session went very well…..

We discussed first of all how my week had gone and how payday weekend had gone the first thing the counsellor said was you seem to have a glow about yourself I did for the first time in several years I felt a sense of accomplishment I had got through the hardest week of the month without fault. I explained how my week had gone leading up to payday and the emotions I was feeling I explained how I felt. Scared and alone, these were just two of the feelings I was going through. The more time I spent alone the more I felt pushed towards wanting that buzz from gambling throughout that week I kept on trying to think about other stuff. I therefore whipped into action and started packing my stuff up ready for moving on the Friday. It was helping a lot at times. I felt isolated and worried about the coming weekend.

I just kept thinking about the positives of not gambling and the possible consequences of continuing down this path. I was explaining how my actions could end up costing me my job, my partner and my future happiness and this was helping very much. We then started to discuss that dreaded payday I explained how I had made sure that the entire day was mapped out so my day was occupied. I also explained how anxious I was and how I was getting that feeling of despair about losing lots of money I knew at this point to keep on at what I had planned through that day the best thing about the Friday was I was always with someone so had them there to ensure I made it through the day which I did do.

At the end of the day I just remember feeling ecstatic that I had made it through the toughest part of my journey so far I just thought to myself I can do this and I will do this. Unfortunately it does not stop me thinking about gambling which throughout a day must cross my mind about 75-100 times a day.

We then went back to the last session and discussed my feelings about losing the baby. The counsellor believes that this could have caused further problems later on in my life I could not see this myself and was very cautious about this area. The more I talked about the more I felt upset about it I had tears in my eyes just thinking about the past. I was thinking where would I be now, what I would currently be doing with my life maybe this would of helped me with my direction and choices in my life. Maybe I would have had something else to concentrate on.

All these choices and thoughts going through my mind and the only thing I thought about was it was my choice to gamble it was my direction that made me go this way and it’s my chance to correct everything wrong in my life. The problem with being a compulsive gambler is that once you have the mechanism in built it’s very hard to just turn it off. Its like a smoker that wants to quit it takes several months sometimes years, compulsive gambling has to be removed from the brain brick by brick and this will takes years not months.

The main thing I have learned from my 1 to 1 counselling sessions is that you have to do it brick by brick because if you try to remove it straight away without thought you will never truly have removed the mechanism that is compulsive gambling.

Wednesday 4 February 2009

Payday Weekend (The hardest part)

Payday weekend was always going to be the toughest weekend and it sure was. I knew as everyday got nearer the more a felt anxious and the more scared I felt as this was the time when I would always lose a small fortune. The other part was the excitement at moving into a new house with one of my best mates, each day was passing so fast I knew that there would be a possibility that I would gamble this weekend but I had things to focus on. I remember the counsellor saying to me, utilise the people who want to help you and if you think it’s getting to much then take a step back and think to yourself what you want to achieve, easier said then done.

It was now Thursday and I was scared, nervous and happy. All these thoughts and all I was thinking about was how I could make that big win that I have always wanted, at this point I was so scared about Friday coming. I did not know what to do with myself so that evening I decided on an early night. I woke up at 6.30am and was focused on getting stuff moved to the new house, leaving the gambling at the back of my mind, but I knew that it would weigh on me all day, the best thing was I had the whole day set out so I had no opportunities to gamble, before I could blink it was time to get ready to go out and have a few beers with friends, through the day I probable thought about going to the bookies a dozen times but I had succeeded . I had made it through the hardest day this truly was the 1st day of my rest of my life and getting back on the right tracks seemed that little bit easier.

Saturday came and I was left to go into town and get a few bits on my own at this point I was so scared just as I seen the bookies I pulled my phone out of my pocket and talked to Aaron knowing that he would talk for those few minutes. At 1st he was confused as I had only talked to him 30 minutes ago then it clicked and I got passed the bookies at this point really wanting to pop in and spend some money. The great thing was I got through town got what I needed and went home I felt that little bit better about me; I had given myself a great boost although there was a very long way to go….

Sunday was a very chilled out day I had to work unfortunately but I had something to focus on the only problem was I used to always pop out of work on my lunch on a Sunday to have a bet. So my plan for the day was to sit back and stay at work, out of the way of temptation and that is what I did. I had made it through the full weekend without gambling a single penny so by this point I had gone 4 weeks without gambling any money.

I was on the right tracks for the first time in years……….

Sunday 1 February 2009

3rd Counselling Session

Well I have had my 3rd session and I am starting to see many positives from my time in counselling. Sometimes it’s very hard to tell what is going wrong with your life until you sit down and talk about it.

The 3rd session went very well we went into more detail about my past and what has lead me in this direction, we talked about my first love and how everything seemed to be going great, then wishing we had never met. We talked about what happened in that relationship mainly about my feelings and how I have overcome them. The truth is I never have, they still play a crucial part to my life now! We discussed why it has taken me so long to talk about my feelings so I explained what had happened, we had been together for 3 months I was preparing to get engaged and then within what seemed the most painful 24 hours of my life me and her split up. Ever since that point I have never truly trust anybody its not very nice for those who I know and think so highly of. People that have been in my shoes will understand it takes time to be able to trust someone again emotional especially; I still don’t always show my feeling now and will try and lie to save face.

We then started to discuss what else had gone wrong in past we discussed about the baby that my ex lost and the fact that every time I talk about it hurts knowing that I could of maybe had a little Sam running around, I could have been taking them to football or taking them to there first day at school. I have always wanted a kid and hopefully one day this will happen. I always try not to dwell on the past but it’s hard.

I always believe there is a path we take in life and we will always come to a crossing and it’s at the part we make our next turn (decision), not always the best but its what we do next that really counts.

After discussing my feelings about the past we started talking about the future and what I can do to overcome what had seemed like the most painful years of my life. One thing is actually talk to someone about the past and what when wrong, I will never regret anything that happened back then because it’s something that deep down wish would never had gone wrong but it did. I now have a chance to show people what changes can do for you. Gambling has always been part of my life maybe it is because I am missing something out of my life maybe it’s through boredom, I still don’t know why but over the next few months I intend on working this out.
We then finished our session and we then filled some forms out so I could carry on counselling over the phone with Gamcare, this is once our 4th session is over with to support me further in my quest to quit gambling.