A few weeks into 2010

Well here I am again, a few weeks into the New Year. I have failed once and that was on the Mon 4th.

So what happened you wonder, lack of will power....But I looked at this not as a failure but as my first lesson in quitting for good, many things cause someone to want to gamble from flashing lights, noise, thrill of winning, boredom or even your brain which is something of a mystery and one that will take me many months to solve, it’s about mending my brain and changing the mentality of way it thinks!! Now that sounds silly but if I cannot do this there is no way I can quit.


So what else have I been doing to keep myself busy, well there has been limited football due to the adverse weather but that’s not stopped me, I ended up going to watch Leeds vs Wycombe which to be honest was very boring indeed as you can see by the picture we were 1 nil up, but the score ended 1-1.

I was also studying for my driving theory test and took the test on Tuesday 19th Jan and passed. I have now started having my driving lessons and so far so good, very nerve racking indeed, today Saturday 23rd Jan I drove to milnthrope and back this was only my 2nd lesson so was very nervous, I ended up doing very well and made it back in one piece. I then went and watched Morecambe play against Barnet and we won 2-1 another great result, this brings you all upto date thus far!

The driving is really giving me something else to think about and is one of my new years resolution so far though this is the only one I have stuck to I am sure however my others will also turn out ok.

For now though I leave my blog here again for a few weeks and will give you all a progress report and will also go into my feelings in much more detail!

Any questions please leave a comment and I will reply ASAP.

A New Year, A new week, A New Resolution

Well here I am again 2nd attempt at trying to quit gambling, don’t know where to start really. I will start from where I left off and give you all a brief outline of what happened in 2009.



I must admit stuff was going well to start with I was going to the gym, I was sticking to my no gambling policy and was enjoying life, as you all know I love watching my local club Morecambe FC and was working on a project with Aaron one of my best friends. This was keeping my head focused on other things rather than thinking of bets that I can make to earn fast money.

The project was gathering pace and we were so close to finalising the bus design, for some reason though I found myself walking down Morecambe promenade and then for a split second found myself entering the arcade. I realised what I was about to do and came back out, but this day had not ended so well, later on after having a brew at my mum’s found myself going into the bookies to check the Morecambe odds....I few minutes later I found myself on the ITBOX, within 30 minutes I had lost £150-£200.
I had failed and this continued for several months even though my job was going great, my social life was good and everything seemed to be going well even with my addiction back in place.

Again several more months had passed and I found myself not socialising and found myself confined to 4 walls again, this again was the way things had been 12 months prior to this but I thought I had beaten the addiction, how wrong was I. I now found myself throwing needless money down the drain. I also learned that my job at BT was to go and I was to be reassigned to another part of the company, was I happy... no I was not, the job I had I loved and enjoyed dealing with all aspects from stressful moments I found myself sorting complexed issues and resolving them very quickly, I was now being told I can move onto Sales!!! SALES that’s not me, I am customer service driven and don’t want to lose my job. I then asked the 3rd Tier manager why I can not move with the VIP team to Newcastle, I just got a NO not possible, well why not! No answer was his answer (IDIOT). For me BT had gone from the best company I had worked for to the worst company I have ever worked for.

I decided that I cannot go onto sales and applied for a different position within BT for which I got, I was sort of happy again, well so I thought. I feel so let down and so betrayed by the company I once loved, this pushed me over the edge, I then started gambling massive amounts of money £400-600 a month as you can imagine this is a massive amount of money, my mate Aaron could tell there was something wrong as I never had any money but did I let on, nope I did not and it carried on spiralling out of control.

I had now started my new job role for which required training and I found myself having to travel to Blackburn every day 2-3 hours there and 2-3 hours back this was causing me added stress and worry, I was getting no sleep and not having fun what so ever. Something tipped me over the edge for which I knew I could no longer work I needed time off work so I went to the doctor and he asked me questions and a gave him my answer he then assessed the answers he had assessed that I have Depression something I know very little about and was slightly confussed to why he thought this but after a lengthy talk he had showed me that in fact I am suffering from depression, this could be caused by every action I have brought upon myself from my gambling and debt problems also what really tipped me over the edge was the fact I had lost the job I love.

It is now January and I am still off work and do not plan to go back as yet, I need to get my head in order and myself ready for my customer I like to know I am giving my customer 100% of my full attention when I speak with them.

Here is my list of New Year resolutions and over the next year I hope I can start to make these a reality!

1.Quit Gambling
2.Pay debts off
3.Lose Weight
4.Learn to Drive


My dad has offered for me to go and spend sometime again with him to try and sort my head out, this I will decide on once I go back to the doctors on the 19th January. I have got to get through a meeting with a 2nd Tier manager on the 12th for which I am nervous about but am sure they will only try and help in everyway possible, for now I lieve you with my current thoughts.

“although life can be challenging and we are lead down different paths through our lifes, always remember you have friends and family who can help, never believe you’re on your own as you will only slip further into despair. Find strength in your friends and use that to make your future a bright future.

I need help and I plan on getting this, I thank my Friends, Family and football family for all your help now and in the future”

Blog

Just to let you fellow followers know I will be blogging again from new years!

Over the last week

It was an ok week for me I was doing really really well had hardly thought about gambling and my future was looking brighter by the day. I went out on Thursday night with a few friends from work and had a really great night. Well apart from being pushed off the dance floor as I was leaving to get off I ended up falling on my arse and twisting my foot I really do have no luck sometime. I called it a night at this point leaving my friends in the pub I then hobbled home on my bad ankle.

The Friday was a very busy day I went to see my friends mum in the hospital and was talking about the good old times when I was working at Maggie’s bar I really do miss my days there I really enjoyed it the atmosphere was great and it was so easy to pull the ladies in there. I had also made a decision to split up with my girlfriend also today. I then had my mate come around later that day and was just having a good old natter did not stop laughing for a few hours after always end up with the giggles, she truly is a total blonde….you know who you are :-). She convinced me to go out that evening for one of our friend’s birthday so I hobbled into town and had another great night with friends. I left and went home about 230am and went to sleep.

Saturday had arrived and the week was passing so quick in the morning I met up with a couple of friends and went for a breakfast in the local weatherspoons and really enjoyed it. I then went to eth football Morecambe Vs Chester and it was another great day and a great victory 3 – 1. Me and 2 other friends decided to have a few pints after the game we went to a couple of pubs then went to weatherspoons in Morecambe we got ourselves a drink from the bar then we decided to go on the IT BOX a quiz game. I put £5 in to it and after I did I regretted it even thou I was not playing to win money it was a machine you can win money on. I have decided not to go on one again as this might lead me back onto the wrong path.

I then worked the Sunday and did not even think about gambling so slowly but surely I am progressing in the right path.

4th Counselling Session

The 4th and last Counselling session went very well…..

We discussed first of all how my week had gone and how payday weekend had gone the first thing the counsellor said was you seem to have a glow about yourself I did for the first time in several years I felt a sense of accomplishment I had got through the hardest week of the month without fault. I explained how my week had gone leading up to payday and the emotions I was feeling I explained how I felt. Scared and alone, these were just two of the feelings I was going through. The more time I spent alone the more I felt pushed towards wanting that buzz from gambling throughout that week I kept on trying to think about other stuff. I therefore whipped into action and started packing my stuff up ready for moving on the Friday. It was helping a lot at times. I felt isolated and worried about the coming weekend.

I just kept thinking about the positives of not gambling and the possible consequences of continuing down this path. I was explaining how my actions could end up costing me my job, my partner and my future happiness and this was helping very much. We then started to discuss that dreaded payday I explained how I had made sure that the entire day was mapped out so my day was occupied. I also explained how anxious I was and how I was getting that feeling of despair about losing lots of money I knew at this point to keep on at what I had planned through that day the best thing about the Friday was I was always with someone so had them there to ensure I made it through the day which I did do.

At the end of the day I just remember feeling ecstatic that I had made it through the toughest part of my journey so far I just thought to myself I can do this and I will do this. Unfortunately it does not stop me thinking about gambling which throughout a day must cross my mind about 75-100 times a day.

We then went back to the last session and discussed my feelings about losing the baby. The counsellor believes that this could have caused further problems later on in my life I could not see this myself and was very cautious about this area. The more I talked about the more I felt upset about it I had tears in my eyes just thinking about the past. I was thinking where would I be now, what I would currently be doing with my life maybe this would of helped me with my direction and choices in my life. Maybe I would have had something else to concentrate on.

All these choices and thoughts going through my mind and the only thing I thought about was it was my choice to gamble it was my direction that made me go this way and it’s my chance to correct everything wrong in my life. The problem with being a compulsive gambler is that once you have the mechanism in built it’s very hard to just turn it off. Its like a smoker that wants to quit it takes several months sometimes years, compulsive gambling has to be removed from the brain brick by brick and this will takes years not months.

The main thing I have learned from my 1 to 1 counselling sessions is that you have to do it brick by brick because if you try to remove it straight away without thought you will never truly have removed the mechanism that is compulsive gambling.